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Tuesday, 9 September 2014

My Big Change

My Big Change...

About a couple of months ago, I had a post here, called "My Real Age". There, I first raised the problem that has been bothering me for about a year. That problem has been basically that, at the age of 23, I neither felt, nor wanted to be 23. 
By that time, I also realised that continuing to pretend and convince everyone that, despite my "passport age" I am really, in fact, 13, 14, or 16 at most, is not a way to go... 
At the same time though, I did believe that I was only a young teenager, not able to psychologically act like a 23-year old, stuck in a 23-year-body...
Well, now, about two months later, to my ( and everyone's) surprise, I am happy to say that the problem resolved itself pretty much on its own.
I don't know when, and how exactly it happened, but I came to Russia and stayed there as (-with the behaviour of--) a 12-13 year old, but when I came back to Canada, I already felt and acted like a normal 23-year old person... The change happend in everything: thoughts, behaviour, and every particular aspect of these!
I am very happy about it, as, to be honest, by the time I created that blogpost two months ago, I was beginning to be afraid that I would remain an unfortunate 13-14-year-old in a 23-year-old body!
To be honest, these very rapid changes are not very new to me. When I was about 15, I suddenly, almost overnight changed from being essentially a child, to a teenager. And because I was a bit late on that (usualy it happens around 12-13) this change was very rapid and intense, almost exaggarated! I was actually in crisis for about two years, hanging with the wrong people, not doing well in school, instead totally focused on my appearance and on getting attention, drinking, smoking and even trying some drugs, and thinking that it all was cool and a way to go (actually, I was bragging about all of that everywhere and to everyone who would listen! (And when it came to drugs, as I thought this was the coolest thing, I exaggarated my claims as to the number of times I tried them, even to the psychologist I was seeing back then, because I was convinced that deep inside she'd be impressed and admire such "achievements" on my part, even if she wouldn't show it!) 
Then, I kind of calmed down, though still had all the same problems as most teenagers have.
Anyway, so I am saying it to illustrate, that in my case, every big change is intense and is unfortunately often associated with some kind of a crisis. 
And turning to a young adult was no exception! 
About a year or so ago, I first had the thought that, oh no!! I am not 13, 14 or even 18 anymore, in fact, I am over 20! How horrible!! And what am I supposed to do with that now?! And so then, after that awful realization, it all began! I decided that I can't and should not possibly be 22 or 23, and so next thing, I began convincing everyone, with both my looks and behaviour, that I am not 23 at all! When I went shopping, I chose only the most edgy, teenager-looking outfits, I also wanted to stay skinny, as I was convinced that that made me look much younger, and when it came to my behaviour, I tried to act as silly as possible, so no one perceives me as a 22-23 year old. 
In a way, I succeeded in that endeavour, and every one really treated me as a 13-14 year old teenager. I did a countless number of stupid things to sustain that opinion of me too! 
When I was in Russia, I took it one step further and decided to investigate this "mistake" whith my real age. I had an opportunity to have my biological age measured (which is performed by doing fat to muscle ratio and other things like that), well, they said that biologically I was about 19... That calmed me down moderately, but not quite, see, 19 is still not 16, still too old! :) 
Inside though, especially when it came to my behaviour, I subconciously realised just how wrong, unproductive and inappropriate it all was, but that unfortunately only led me to exaggerate my silly behaviours and actions further to compensate and district myself from these uncomfortable feelings. 
Well, the reason I was describing all that is basically to better illustrate just how happy I feel now that the conflict between my real and "psychological" age has resolved itself, that I somehow naturally psychologically became about 23, in a very short period of time, that now there is no discrepancy between what my age is, and what I do and act like...
What changed, exactly? Well, the main thing is that I became more calm and measured in everything I do, less impulsive and more in control of myself. I began to better see the bigger picture than before, as opposed to focusing on some aspects of it which might or might not be very important. 
I also developed the kind of self-respect (--not sure how to better describe that feeling) that prevents people from doing bad, wrong, and unhelpful things not because there will be some bad consequences following, but simply because there's this self-respect-feeling that makes it unacceptable for oneself to do such things without any fear of bad consequences necessary! (things like, for instance, drinking too much, missing classes, and many other things...).  In general, I think I became a bit wiser...

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